Getting A Man Who’s “Not Ready” To Settle Down

Although most of my material is directed at men, I do always make a point to throw an article up to help out the ladies too every now and then. This topic in particular is one that I get asked a lot, and while I agree with most people who suggest not even bothering with a man who’s not ready to settle down unless “no strings attached” is what you want – I can’t ignore the fact that it is possible to get a man to settle down who thought he wasn’t ready. That is, until he met you.

I’ve seen it happen many times. Not only have I coached women specifically in this area, but I have also coached heart broken men on Getting back with the women they initially didn’t “want to settle down with” after she broke their hearts. This isn’t for the “on to the next one” types, if you’ve made it to that place more power to you. Some women just find themselves in situations where it’s not as easy done as it is said to “walk away” or “move on”. For them it’s too late; they’re already in it, and it’s going to take an emotional tug of war to get out of it. Other women have met a highly successful guy that marrying or being with is beneficial to them, and so they find it better to work it out than to walk away.  I’m speaking about high value men here that have choice with women by the way. These are usually the only types that find themselves at a state in which they’re “unwilling to settle down” anyway. So for you ladies, this is, “Getting A Man Who’s Not Ready To Settle Down”

First we need an understanding of how male emotional attachments work. I’ve taught this before, and I’ll post the link HERE if you want to get deeper into it – but, men develop emotional attachments when they invest. The more they invest into you, the higher the chances they’re going to develop an emotional attachment to you. This is one reason some women that allow a man to take them out on an expensive upscale dinner date or vacation end up with a stalker on their hands after deciding they don’t want to deal with the guy shortly after. The guy invested, received none of the cooperation he hoped for from the investment, and developed an strong emotional attachment because of it. One reason the “Netflix & Chill” culture has gotten so popular for men today is because men as a whole are unwilling to invest as much as men of old did – for many reasons we would need more time to discuss. However, that unwillingness to invest is men subconsciously protecting themselves from developing attachments. No investment, means no attachment. And let me just say, investments aren’t necessarily money. Investments from a man can be many things. Things like time, energy, effort, and money. In fact, the more of something a guy has the less he will consider it an “investment” subconsciously. A billionaire spending money on you doesn’t create emotions right away because he has so much money. But if that same billionaire had little free time, and started giving you that free time and even some of his “work time” then that would be a huge investment to him subconsciously

Let me also just add, that there are girls that manage to Netflix & Chill their way into a relationship through getting a man to invest by these other means. Men started to Netflix & Chill because showering, getting dressed, looking for a destination for a date, traveling to get to the date, spending money on the date(even if it’s just for him), walking with you after the date or during, etc. just to find out that he doesn’t even like a girl, takes time, money, and energy. That energy, if invested creates small levels of attachment that lead to men feeling duped and disappointed if nothing comes out of it. And because of how men are wired they grow tired of this process after the disappointment occurs too many times.

So how exactly is it done?

I’m going to defer to a man by the name of Dante Nero who does a podcast called the Beige Philip Podcast – A branch off of the great Patrice O’Neals ‘Black Philip’ Podcast after he passed.

I’ll call it The Jelly Bean Theory. I’ve always taught this concept to women in my own way, but Dante nailed it with this analogy.

The Jelly Bean Theory basically states that, in the heads of every unwilling to settle down man, he gives each woman he meets a giant empty glass jar. In the jar goes the jelly beans he fills it with whenever the woman he’s dealing with does something he finds pleasing. For example: if she buys him a cute little gift tailored to one of his needs, the man throws 15 jelly beans into the jar. She makes him a meal – 20 jelly beans in the jar, good sex – 10 jelly beans in the jar, shows him love affection – 5 jelly beans in the jar, massages his ego – more jelly beans, and so forth. Whatever is valuable to him is how he’ll add jelly beans to the jars of the women he’s dealing with. On the other end of this however, everything the woman does that he finds disrespectful like – bitching at him, nagging him, overly pressuring him to be exclusive etc. is 50 jelly beans out of the jar. Three positives can get you fifty jelly beans, but one negative can cause you to lose fifty. We can see this in the example of trust – it taking years to build, but only seconds to break.

So this trick here is to fill your jelly bean jar all the way up to the top, until it’s over flowing with jelly beans. And once you know for a fact that your jelly bean is full because you’ve treated him well and haven’t nagged, complained, and gotten into a lot of petty arguments with him – YOU WALK THE **** AWAY.

You call him up one evening and you say something in an extremely loving tone – massaging the hell out of his ego like “ Hey baby, I was just calling to let you know that I love you and that you mean the world to me, and that I want to do anything and everything for you, but I’m not going to be able to continue this relationship. You see, you’re an amazing man and I know you’re not ready to settle down, and as much as I love being with you because, you’re so great, I need to find someone to commit to me. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life, because I want to stay with you, but I can’t, I just can’t. I’m sorry.  I Am so sorry“ – And then you hang up. If he calls you back, you don’t answer. You let him call and call for that first day.

You let him think.

Because by now he’s losing it. You’re about to walk away with all of his jelly beans. None of his other girls if he has any, have any jelly beans. He may have one girl with 20, another with 60, but they all eventually lose them because they’re not disciplined enough to show restraint when it comes to buckling down and suppressing their need to vent the frustration with the conditions of the relationship. But you, you just walked away with a thousand of his jelly beans, and he needs to get them back. And he will do almost anything to get them back.

This is where the tables turn and you start getting him to invest. Now you get your own jelly bean jar for him in your head and YOU start filling it with jelly beans. You become the one he starts doing all the good things to get back with so that he can subconsciously get the jelly beans he gave you back from you. However, by the time he does, you guys both have two full jars of jelly beans and the playing field is now leveled. Unfortunately, most women don’t look at the guy the same after this ,and usually end up walking away and breaking the guys heart. So be mindful of this before using it. But, if you come across the right high value man, it may actually be worth sticking around.

I can help you fully execute this process; just email me at EddieFews@Gmail.com – I overviewed this concept as best as I could in a short article, but there are a lot of intricacies that some need help with throughout the process. For example “ Knowing when your jelly bean jar is full, creative ways to add to the jar, knowing when to finally pick up when he comes calling, and more”. And if you’re a guy that’s been through this process I’m here for you too, to show you how to get your jelly beans back. Many women have used this method subconsciously without knowing and got the same results. I bet some of you can think of a time in your life where you implemented this in certain ways and had guys calling for their beans. It happens all the time knowingly or unknowingly, but you can consciously control the process. Anyway, thank you guys for reading as always, and be very careful and considerate with this.

Much Love

Eddie Fews


For One on One Coaching and Consultations via Skype, Phone, or Instant Messenger; Email: EddieFews@Gmail.com

Buy My Book: ‘The Secret Laws of Social Wisdom’ Click Here 

How To Become The Woman A Man Needs

So I was recently hired by a highly attractive educated young woman to begin working with her on improving her dating life success. Her, unlike most with her credentials, physical appeal, and youth had decided that enough was enough, and that she was ready for change. She was only thirty years old, had graduated from one of the top ten schools in the country, had her masters, and is damn near making six figures a year doing marketing with a fortune 500 company right here in New York City. Her problem you ask? She somehow couldn’t manage to get a guy to commit to her for any thing other then a long-term friends with benefits situationship. And I do mean long term. She had had one for two years, another for three, and even one that stretched as long as six years that only ended recently after he proposed to, and married his best friend who he had been crushing on all along. So for the life of her, she wondered what she was doing wrong. You see, she wasn’t a bad woman at all. She had kept all of these men coming around for years and years, so there was obviously something about her that they couldn’t so easily let go of. So what was it? Why wouldn’t they commit to her in the way she wanted? This all had led us into a deeper conversation, an as she revealed some things about herself to me, I had encouraged her to do what I refer to as an “honesty exercise” on FaceTime with this new guy that was set to take her on a first date later on in the week.

She told the guy she would like to FaceTime, he agreed, and then he reported back to her the next morning to inform her that he had ‘fallen asleep before he could FaceTime, but that he would prefer to meet in person anyway so i didn’t matter much’. Her response? “ Okay That Works! 🙂 Saturday?” .. And thats when I realized what part of the problem she was having was. She was just too easy. Instead of committing to the exercise that I suggested she did, she allowed the guy of interest to side step it, and pull her right back into doing what it is he wanted without her putting up any resistance. It’s kind of like a girl saying “ I’m saving myself for marriage” on the first date and then the moment a guy says “ Nah. i’d prefer to have sex tonight” , she responds “Okay thats fine”. Wheres the backbone? No Resistance or challenge at all? You know the move women do even when they know they’re going to have sex with you, when they move your hand the first few times you reach for there erogenous zones, just so they don’t come across as too easy.. Not even a verbal one of those? I have no doubt that if this guy has any skill with women, the moment he saw her response he immediately concluded that he would probably be able to sleep with her on the first night.

She asked me what should she have done and I told her she should of busted his balls. I told her it is your job a female companion to bust a mans balls anytime he deviates from his masculinity. It’s the only thing thats going to make him feel like you in fact, have the potential to make him better. Staying true to our word, and doing what we said we would do is a standard that men are held to. A man cannot be a leader if he’s indecisive, doesn’t know what he wants, and his word cannot be relied upon.  Whether he knows it consciously or not a man wants a woman that helps snap him back into position when he falls short of his highest masculine nature. I told her any response such as “ So you didn’t do what you said you would, and now you want me to do what you want? I don’t know mister 😛 “ would of have been sufficient. She kicked herself a bit and told me that she was just nervous that she would come across “bitchy” if she didn’t just go with it. I informed her that when a woman is that easy all she’ll do is weaken a guy over time. It’s like a mother that feeds a child candy every time they ask. It’ll make them happy in the moment, but then what happens in the future? So that behavior is an ego boost for men, and we all know men connect ourselves to women that stroke our egos, but what exactly does an ego boost that isn’t deserved do to a man over time? It destroys him. It dulls his blade. It convinces him that the shell of himself that he is currently being is someone good. Men are programed to pass on our seeds, and most of us won’t become much more than we have to become to successfully do that. That’s what success is to a man biologically; successfully being able to spread your seed as much as possible. This is why the majority of men who go around laying pipe every where don’t really do well in life. (Another reason most of our favorite musicians fall off after getting mainstream successful if they’re unmarried) . You ever hear a woman say ” broke men are the best in bed” ? The success of spreading their seed is convincing their biology that they’re already successful. So the motivation to exceed beyond that is non existent. On a biological level this is the case, but a spiritual level men in tune with themselves know something different. We understand that an overly easy going woman will dull our blade, and we subconsciously resent them for it.

Thats what a side chick is for. The reason a man seeks out a side chick, or a “friends with benefits” is so that we have a woman that carelessly pumps our ego so that we feel “good enough” to deal with our wife, or the woman we actually want to be our wives. She boosts our morale and a self esteem, but she doesn’t actually do anything to boost us beyond that. Our wives on the other hand are holding us to the standard of what they know our potential is. The side chicks are the women on the sideline, the cheerleaders, the screaming fan. The wife is that mirror we have to look into at the end of the day when its all said and done. And what would happen to you if you suddenly could no longer gain access to a mirror? You could think you look good all you like, and feel good because of it , but would you actually look good? And until a woman, your wife, or a mirror revealed to you what you actually look like, you could be living a long life of disillusion.

It is important that a wife learns to be both however, lest their man will begin looking for that side chick. Someone to boost his morale, while his wife challenges him to be better. If you could be a mans biggest fan, and his mirror perhaps he would be slower to seek it out else where. But all in all, if he could only choose one, as I told my client, a man wants his woman to be a blade sharpener. Which is why a man almost never leaves his wife for his side chick. He wants to slice through the world as his woman sharpens his blade. My client was just being another portion of the world that men were slicing through. She wasn’t doing anything to make them better at slicing, or to strengthen their blade. Eventually that mans blade would hit a wall that was too thick from him to slice through because he was being convinced that he was sharp enough already, but he was not actually prepared for what was ahead. She was an amazing side chick; probably one of the best, and this was confirmed after she revealed that several of her situationships led to the guys getting married or being in happy long term relationships after her.

The woman a man needs prepares him for the world ahead. I’ve heard story after story of a woman that supported her man entirely after he lost his job, supported him in his depression, only to have him leave her for another woman once he got back onto his feet. But the support they were offering wasn’t the support these mens spirits were actually longing for. They were giving the “ i’m here for you no matter what. Just take your time to figure yourself out” kind of support, but his spirit was looking for that “ I’m here for you, but I’ll have to leave you if you don’t eventually get your shit together” kind of support. Only one of those was actually going to boost him to do something. I’ve told the story a million times of the woman I know who worked a second job and gave all of the money to her boyfriend, and bought him books, until he figured out what he was going to do with his life who’s now happily married to him and wealthy 18 years later. But the difference between her man and most men is the guy she was with wasn’t lazy, unmotivated, nor was he bum. He was selling drugs at a high level, and getting money the only way he knew how. He just didn’t know any other way, so she asked an already ambitious man to stay at home, while she worked until he figured out a way to redirect his ambition. If he went back to the streets during this time, she was going to leave him, she said it. She wasn’t just taking shit; she was taking some, but she was offering true spiritual support. He sat at home, doing nothing but reading for a whole year while his girlfriend worked a second job an gave him all the money, before he become the multi-millionaire he is today.

Now this isn’t some call for women to no longer remain with the guy you’re currently with. It’s a group effort; I’d suggest that if your man isn’t currently being the man you would like him to be then it could be possible that you’re failing as his companion. Especially if he was once a sharp motivated man when you met him that has somehow lost his way. Did you dull his blade? Why isn’t he sharp? What happen to his motivation? And what true spiritual support have you offered him to try to change that? I would encourage all women to remain with a man thats being honest, upright, and treating you with respect. There isn’t an “I” in team, so if your man isn’t being all he could be, it is possible that you may not be being all that you can be to him. Or that you’re not acting as a source of support and motivation thats encouraging him to become more.

In closing,

This isn’t all the pieces to the puzzle of becoming the woman that a man needs, this is just one vital portion that I discovered my client was lacking. This is the edges of the puzzle if you will. Her and I will be completing the puzzle over time as we’ll continue our work. Once you become the woman you’re man needs, once you sharpen his blade, and become his mirror that both highlights his beauty and reveals to him his true self a man will be happy be the man to you and to the world that you’ve been wanting him to the entire time.

Thanks For Reading.

Eddie Fews


For One on One Coaching and Consultations via Skype, Phone, or Instant Messenger; Email: EddieFews@gmail.com

Show Support, Buy The Book: The Secret Laws of Social Wisdom’ Click Here 

How To Know If A Man Really Loves You

If there is one thing I’ve learned on my journey of coaching both men and women in this field, it’s that women put a whole lot more stock into the things guys say than we do.

As men we enjoy getting positive reactions from women and so we can find ourselves being loose with our tongues vainly trying to give a woman good feelings and make her smile.

However, these aren’t things that we actually connect with in the way that women do . Early on in a woman’s dating life they take our words seriously, and after many let downs they can find themselves in a space in which they just don’t believe what men say anymore.

I know a number of women that have said that all men to them are “guilty” as  liars until proven innocent. That they pretty much nod “uh huh” to themselves while men offer words of affection. And the truth of the matter is they are 100% right for doing this.

We’ve all heard the expression that actions speak louder than words. And as a result of this I tell all the women I coach and work with to receive a man saying, “ I love you” as just a compliment – no different than him saying ,“ I like your hair” until his actions say different. A man saying, “ I love you”, to a woman does not mean that he wants to be with her. All it really means is that you are giving him good feelings and emotions in this moment and so he’s expressing that to you.

A great movie gives him good feelings too, but that doesn’t mean he wants to watch that movie and that movie only for the rest of his life. This is where women get it confused, because they don’t operate like this.

Women feel deeper than we do, and they usually take the time out to consider their feelings and analyze their feelings much more than we do. So when a woman says ,“ I love you”, it has more of a meaning to her. She’s often thought about it, has reasons that she respects you whether she can explain them or not, and has decided to put her trust in you. So naturally, women- on some level- think early on in their dating lives that when we talk love, it is after careful consideration, but this couldn’t be further from the truth.

What many of us don’t understand is that “love” is a feeling just like anger is a feeling. It’s an explosion of oxytocin, dopamine, and other hormones in the body that are being released into the blood stream due to the stimuli we are dealing with. So, a mans interpretation of love is often ,“ I feel these hormones and I am expressing them”, but this is surface level infatuation – not love. This is not the way an emotionally mature woman interprets love.

As men we have to be mindful of this, and we have to become conquerers of these hormonal explosions. We often do this with fear and anger, but do so with love as much. Just as we don’t allow irrational fears to hold us back, nor do we react to our anger every time we feel it, we shouldn’t react to love every time it is felt either.

It takes time to know you love a woman. You can only know you love a woman by her consistently keeping up with the behaviors that produce feelings of “love” over time. Anyone can be consistent for a month or two, but can they keep making mental, spiritual, and physical contributions to that “love” over a long period of time? That’s the test, that’s how you know there is any merit or reason you should accept the “feeling” of the love.

For the women who find themselves confused on whether or not a man loves you i’ll provide a break down. I do this because many women are in relationships with men who are abusing them whether physically or emotionally in the name of love. Other women allow a man’s expression of “love” to be the reason they remain attached to a relationship that they shouldn’t be attached to.

When you consider whether or not a man loves you, you must first ask yourself two questions.  First, what else does he love that isn’t you? Get a pen and a paper and make a list of all of  the things he has expressed love for. And now ask yourself,“ How much of what he loves does he share with me?” For example if a man really loves his mother, and has expressed that, have you met his mother? Have you spoken to her? How much of his mother has he shared with you? If a man really loves his car, see if he’ll let you drive his car.

The second  question and most important one is, “What does he have the least of?”, and how much of that does he share with you? Grab a pen and a paper and make a list of everything he doesn’t have much of and ask yourself how much of that does he share. Let’s say the guy you’re with doesn’t have a lot of money. How much of the money that he does have, is  he willing share with you?

Any billionaire can spend money on a woman and it’s meaningless to him because he has so much. It’s no big deal to throw some money away and proclaim love due to it. Now let’s take that same billionaire and let’s say he doesn’t have a lot of “free time”. How much of his free time does he give you? And if he really loves you, how much of his “used up” time does he allow you to become a part of?  Does he bring you along during times in which he would normally be alone?

This is how you use a man’s actions to determine if he’s truly connected to the emotions that he’s expressing. If these two aspects aren’t in place then his love is nothing more than a compliment. And you must treat it that way. That is the only way he’ll take bigger and wider steps to expressing that love in action.

He must see that that love just being expressed by his word is not good enough for you. And this doesn’t just go for the word “love”, this goes for “like”, him saying he’s “interested” and anything else. Those two questions are still relevant, just to a lesser degree.

This is how women save themselves from the dreaded “fuck boys” they are complaining about today. And let’s not just blame them, you women have to keep your own emotions in check just as well. Most men do believe themselves when they start expressing a genuine interest in you. They’re confused by their own feelings that changes later when they realized that it wasn’t “love” or “like” the way they initially thought it was love and like. It was a passing phase of hormones into the blood stream that are gone now that they have had their experience with you. But, when a guy shares what he loves with you, and shares what he has the least of with you, he will become invested into you and connected to you on a level deeper than words. You become wired into the fabric of his being; and that is what you want.

Guys only cast women to the side that they don’t have stock in. When there is no stock, there is no expected return of investment. When there is no expected return of investment, they don’t make any effort toward getting that return. They give what they don’t need, and then move on when they’re done. When a man gives you things that he values he finds it hard to let you just “walk away”, and then becomes emotionally invested in making sure you don’t walk away. He must share with you the things that he loves and then things that he has the least of to develop that burning desire to want to work to keep you around.  When held to that standard the men not for you will blow themselves out of your life before you even begin to get emotionally invested.

If you’re a man or woman that needs help with your relationship  Click Here to send me an email. Thanks For Reading.

Eddie Fews


For One on One Live Coaching and Consultations via Skype, Phone, or Instant Messenger; Email: EddieFews@Gmail.com – ask about my free 15 minute consultation.

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