This here has to be one of the most common things men face in the field of dating that they seem incapable of coming up with a solution to. I’m asked about it religiously, theres been television shows about it, and there are many memes going around making fun of the male friend being heart broken once he’s be reminded that he is still “Just a friend”. So what does a guy do when he’s put into the dreaded friend zone? And how does he get out of it? I’m going to cover all of that here, but first, lets get the harsh reality out of the way. It is my firm belief that 9 times out of 10 men and women can not be friends. Are there examples of men and women that are friends? Absolutely. But are the MORE examples of men and women that finally reveal to there “friends” that they weren’t actually their friends; that in fact they were just pretending to be their friends, because they thought that would lead to them actually having a chance? Caertainly. This is the reason the popularity of the “Friend Zone” got as big as it did in the first place.
Now, i’m not talking about friends in the sense of “Facebook Friends”. Nor am I talking about friends in the sense that “ Me and My Ex are friends because he texts me every couple of weeks to see how I am doing.”. Men and women can certainly be friends through the internet, and through text messaging. The distance makes friendship the only option. But can men and women consistently be equal friends on both of their parts while hanging out privately with just the two of them on a consistent basis – like regular friends do? I say no. One of the two can genuinely be friends; the one that isn’t attracted to the other one. But there is almost never a case in which the both of them feel absolutely no attraction to the other.
Ladies, have you ever had a guy approach you and when you revealed to him that you had a boyfriend he replied with “ You can’t have friends? “. What does he actually mean by that? When he saw you before he approached did he think “That girl is so beautiful. She would make a great friend”. No. He approached because he was attracted, and if you didn’t have a boyfriend he would have never mentioned anything about friendship.
So, 9 times out of 10 when a guy is friend zoned he’s not actually your friend. He’s faking a friendship and waiting for his opportunity to try again. Or he is waiting until he gets the courage to reveal his true feelings to you. I know countless amounts of women that were friends with guys for years that had no clue their male friend secretly liked them until it was revealed by the guy years later.
If you want to test out what I’m saying, pick up your phone one evening and text one of your male friends “ Hey, I know we’re only just friends, but It’s been a long time for me, and I’m really aroused tonight. Would you come over and spend the night? And could you promise to keep it between us? “ and see what they say. If they do anything other than blatantly reject your offer and put the friendship on ice until they figure out whats going on with you they’re not actually your friend. If one of my male friends were to text me that message tonight that would be the immediate end of the friendship. Because we’re friends and friends only, and nothing else could ever come from this union except friendship.
I say all of this to say, that if you’re a guy or a girl with any intentions on ever getting out of the “friend zone” stop pretending to be someones friend when you know that is not what you want. STOP SETTLING. The reason you were friend zoned in the first place is because you were willing to accept that position. No one can delegate you to a place you don’t allow yourself to be. When you want something, you don’t settle for a consolation prize. We can only get what we deserve out of life, so if you don’t feel like you’re deserving of the girl you’re going after why go after her? And if you feel like you are deserving of the girl you’re going after, why would you accept less than you feel you deserve?
If you worked for a company and felt like because of your qualifications and experience you deserved to be the manager of the company what would you do if they said “ No. We’re only giving you a base salary and temp position. We’re not making you manager”? What would you do? Would you accept the temp position or would you leave? You would leave, I hope, because if you didn’t you would be sending the clear message that you don’t feel like you deserved the manager position after all. The company would also look at you and lose respect for you, because you didn’t have the courage to walk away from something that didn’t give you what you claimed you wanted. And this is exactly how a woman looks at you when you accept less than you petitioned for. When you allow them to determine what your position in their life is going to be, metaphorically they become the CEO and you become the employee. Now imagine an employee saying “one day I’m going to have the courage to tell the CEO that I want to take their position. But I’m just going to pretend to be an employee for right now until I have the courage”. It simply doesn’t work, nor does it ever happen. And even if this were attempted, they wouldn’t just become CEO because they stated this is what they secretly wanted all along. You would be investing years of time and energy into something that has less than a 1% chance of succeeding. All while you sit around listening to your “friend” tell you about all the other guys she’s dating that aren’t you.
So what do you do? You have two options.
You take the plunge – Often times the so called “friend” is waiting around to catch the person that friend-zoned them in a vulnerable position. They’re waiting around until their “friend” is sad or down or just had a break up to reveal their intentions. Is preying on the weak the behavior of a friend? Certainly not. Hell, if you desire to get out the friend zone, you’re not a friend anyway. But even if they were to agree in those moments once they get their strength back that will be a short lived relationship. Approach them while they’re strong. Let them know that you don’t want to waste any more of your time and that you’re too attracted to them to sit around pretending to be a friend. You look them square in the eye and tell them the truth. And you go in knowing that your self-respect will not allow you to accept less than you feel you deserve; you go in willing to walk away. Then, if you two aren’t on the same page perhaps in your absence they will have the time to reflect on the qualities you brought into their life and whether or not they should give the relationship a shot.
You decide you’re going to remain the friend and put all of your focus and energy on being nothing other than a friend. All while you begin searching for someone else for a romantic partnership. If you are not in a space in which you are willing to walk away I recommend you never bring it up. Just stick with this option. It will only lead to heart break, a further loss of respect, disappointment and a potential lost “Friend”. I would even recommend telling your friend something like this, “ You know, I’ve liked you this whole time, but I’ve decided that I’m just going to be your friend and I’m going to start putting my energy into finding someone for me.” That way the air is clear and things can become more definitive.
I say all of this to say “ Waiting around” has never gotten anyone anything. You’re either going to take a leap of faith in life and be willing to not succeed or you won’t ever actually live. There’s an old expression that goes, it’s better to die on your feet than live on your knees. Friend zoned guys that are hiding their intentions are currently living on their knees. And the fact that they’re willing to live on their knees is the reason they’re friend-zoned. Women simply do not like men who are afraid to take risk. When will you stand up? When will you leap off the cliff and see if you can fly? Flying won’t get any easier the longer you wait. Flying will always be flying and it will always take the same amount of effort as it always has. To succeed you’re going to have to step into the unknown. You’re going to have to jump.
Thanks for reading.
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