As it appears on the surface men tend to be driven by their egos. We want the nice cars, beautiful women, money, and the power because it does something for our ego. There is nothing about a material tangible that has any true value other than the sense of external worth it attributes to the owner. And because men are ego driven, we often find ourselves falling in love with women who have mastered the ability to feed the male ego. As men we begin to develop that “pat me on the head” motherly type of love for the women and I often find it is the men who had troubling relationships with their mothers(as I myself had) that seek this type of attention from women the most. Secretly they are still looking for mommy, and so they will find themselves attached to ego filling women. However, it is important that we know that it is not through validating the ego that a woman shows a man she loves him. When a woman decides to show a man love, attention, and affection she is in fact doing him a favor. It is not a sign that she cares about him; she is simply admiring him. And this is often where men make their biggest mistakes when dealing with the opposite sex. Men often assume that because a woman tells them how great they are that it is a sign that the women is in love with them, and so they make attempts at developing a relationship with a woman based off of that attribute alone.
When in fact a woman will lose respect for any man who just takes her words to heart and changes how he feels about her just based off her words. As men, we have to understand that when a woman tells you something like “I love you” she is telling that to the guy that you were just before she said it. It is the guy you were being to her before she said it that produced the chemical reaction in her that caused her to express her feelings. Therefore if you allow her saying “I love you” in the moment to affect how you feel about her in ANY WAY, you are no longer the guy she loves. You have become a new guy; that has changed because of the words that were said to him. You are being swayed by the motions of your woman emotions and a woman can never trust such a man. Men are to be an anchored ship during the waves of their woman emotions and not an empty plastic bottle floating on the top of the water. And so, when a woman tells you how she feels about you make a mental note to remain unmoved. Remain the guy she said it to; prevent yourself from being the new guy that has been shaped by his woman words. Because once you do that, in her spirit she no longer loves you. She loves the guy you were; and often times as we all do she will remain in hopes that you become the guy she loves once again.
And so how does a woman show her love?
When a woman loves a man, she will test him and by testing him she will be creating an opportunity for him to grow from the inside out. The majority of praise will only allow a man to grow superficially. Just look at some of the contestants on shows such as American Idol in which these horrible singers go to auditions with supporting family members telling them that they can sing; only to be let down and broken-hearted when they get before the judges. Is the supporting family showing true love by not being honest and letting the singer know that they need to work on their craft before auditioning? No. They are showing superficial love; surface level support and what they don’t realize is that if they don’t tell them person they are supporting the truth the world will, and it will sting ten times as hard when the world does it. Especially after having been built up into something that they were not. A good woman knows this subconsciously, and she understand that although there is a time for praise, adoration, and affection there is also a time for challenge. And it is through her challenging you that she shows you that she loves you. Along with it being a way for her to show you she loves you it is also a way for you to show her you love her. It is a way for her to see if you will crack under the pressure of her being difficult by responding to her in an ill manner — potentially taking back some of the loving words and/or promises you made to her in the past. And if she can commit and action or stir up a reaction in you that makes you break your word; she then has to question whether you actually mean the things you say or not. So if you’ve ever told her you loved her and then you respond to her being problematic in a way that shows that you don’t; the prior expressing of your love to her has now been voided.
(Let me also say that this is not me making an excuse for women. If a woman is excessive in how she is reacting and dealing with you as a man you are free to leave her. Responding in an ill way to her is never necessary. If you must leave her leave her, but as a man you must also do so with love. Anything else will only produce anger and resentment and this isn’t necessary to the progressing of your own life. Too manypeople don’t realize that when they are angry with someone else they are doing more harm to themselves than they are the person they are upset with. As I’ve said in previous post; negative emotions literary taxes the health of our own organs and puts a gap between us and our spirituality. I’m merely suggesting that a man uses hiswoman’s difficult moments as a platform to better himself which in turn will better her.)
So, how does a man properly respond to his woman test and challenges? How does he show her that he has grown from her test and challenges so that she can feel comfortable praising him once again?
With strength, humor, and love.
Women want to be penetrated with love from their man at all times. Whether that be physically, verbally, mentally, and/or spiritually. Unlike men, it is women who grow from praise more so than through challenge. Women aren’t ego driven in the same way that men are. Praise builds them up deeply; because they don’t have the self crippling ego that we as men do. They are without that barrier and so our praise will penetrate directly to the source. Which will almost explain why the “ Power In A Proper Compliment” article I wrote before this works so effectively.
Let’s say a your woman hasn’t been feeling your love and/or she feels like its time for you to grow in an area. Let’s say she has begun to feel like you put too much value into material things and how they make you feel about yourself…
So one day you’re getting dressed and looking in the mirror and your woman walks over and says “ Eww. I don’t like your shirt “
A man must now consider a few things..
A) Ultimately a woman wants to know that you trust your highest judgment over anyone else’s(even hers); so a response such as “ Fine I’ll change it” will speak to the weakness in your character which is probably the reason she’s testing you in the first place. Do you not trust your own ability to pick out a nice shirt? Must Mommy do it for you? Her opinion is always welcomed but did you even consider your own before reacting?
B) You get upset or deflated and say something like “ You said you liked this shirt the last time! Shut up! You can’t make up your mind”. What happens here is you’ve criticized her and displayed that she can generate anger in you however and whenever she pleases. She is in fact in control, she is leading you; how can a woman trust such a man?
C) You understand that she’s testing you. She wants to feel your love in this moment. She wants to know whether or not you are in the driver’s seat of your own life. And so you smile out of excitement that she wants to feel your love and you respond “ Thanks baby. I like this shirt, but I love how honest you are.” And then you kiss her cheek.
Option C is of course the route that the man operating from his highest intelligence will go for.
A man needs to train himself to become excited and enthralled during the times in which his woman is being difficult. Because it is during these times that she is asking him to feel his love. That she is asking him to operate from his highest self and to show her what she means to him. If her challenging moods aren’t generating strength within you, a man must ask himself if he is of high enough quality to deal with the woman in front of him. But all in all a man must remain aware that his woman usually isn’t being malicious when she is being difficult; she is only asking her man to grow. And although a man will entertain and enjoy a woman who feeds his ego all of the time, he will only stay with a woman who challenges him; because he knows in his subconscious that her challenge is an expression of true love.
Women thrive off of praise and men thrive off of challenge. A woman will enjoy doing almost anything that she is praised and loved into doing. Tell a woman how amazing she is at kissing and how much it’s obvious she enjoys kissing because of how great she is at it, and she will kiss you anytime you like. Men grow through challenge; as kids we grow when our friends say something like “ Hey man, I bet you can’t jump over that fence” — that instills us with the power and energy to make it over the fence. A woman would better make it over the fence if someone said “ You have such strong beautiful legs. I know you can make it over the fence because you’re such a great jumper “ that will instill her with the incentive she needs to make it over the fence. I find that when I respond to a woman’s test with praise; she can’t help but instantly respond with love. Even in the moments when a woman catches me off guard; and I send praise her way in a lackluster “ that shit almost got to me” kind of voice. She still appreciates me responding with praise. Instead of me snapping back at her, I respond with love and she feels my strength. So we praise our women and they reward us by challenging us. Ain’t that some shit? That is just how it works. Surely a woman will love us as well with affection, but that is not how they truly show their love. They show their love through challenge.
Will all of that being said, there needs to be some balance; all challenge and no praise will wear a man down. A woman still must feed a man’s ego, she just needs to be knowledgeable enough to know how much challenge he can take so she is building him and not tearing him down. It is wise for a woman to know her man’s capacity to be challenged and start with him where he is and build him up to the level at which he can tolerate more and more challenge so the two of them can grow together. It’s just like working out, start with the weights you can lift until you’re stronger enough to lift more and more weight. And this is no way a reason for a man to tolerate any disrespect. A challenge is never thrown in the form of disrespect, so keep that in mind. Know your borders and know your boundaries and guard them sternly, because your self-worth and value depend on it.
So as I wrap this up, as men we have to learn to celebrate within ourselves in the times in which our women are being a challenge. This is the only way we will be prepared mentally enough to deal with the test and challenges they throw our way; which evidently will result in the both of you growing anyway. And if your purpose on this planet is to learn and grow as much as you can this should be something you welcome with open arms.
Praise your women to show her you love her and she will return that love to you in the form of challenge, because if she truly loves you, she only wants to make you better.
Peace & Love
Email me: EddieFews@WayOfThePlayer.com For 1 on 1 coaching or consultation via Skype, phone or IM.