Although most of my material is directed at men, I do always make a point to throw an article up to help out the ladies too every now and then. This topic in particular is one that I get asked a lot, and while I agree with most people who suggest not even bothering with a man who’s not ready to settle down unless “no strings attached” is what you want – I can’t ignore the fact that it is possible to get a man to settle down who thought he wasn’t ready. That is, until he met you.
I’ve seen it happen many times. Not only have I coached women specifically in this area, but I have also coached heart broken men on Getting back with the women they initially didn’t “want to settle down with” after she broke their hearts. This isn’t for the “on to the next one” types, if you’ve made it to that place more power to you. Some women just find themselves in situations where it’s not as easy done as it is said to “walk away” or “move on”. For them it’s too late; they’re already in it, and it’s going to take an emotional tug of war to get out of it. Other women have met a highly successful guy that marrying or being with is beneficial to them, and so they find it better to work it out than to walk away. I’m speaking about high value men here that have choice with women by the way. These are usually the only types that find themselves at a state in which they’re “unwilling to settle down” anyway. So for you ladies, this is, “Getting A Man Who’s Not Ready To Settle Down”
First we need an understanding of how male emotional attachments work. I’ve taught this before, and I’ll post the link HERE if you want to get deeper into it – but, men develop emotional attachments when they invest. The more they invest into you, the higher the chances they’re going to develop an emotional attachment to you. This is one reason some women that allow a man to take them out on an expensive upscale dinner date or vacation end up with a stalker on their hands after deciding they don’t want to deal with the guy shortly after. The guy invested, received none of the cooperation he hoped for from the investment, and developed an strong emotional attachment because of it. One reason the “Netflix & Chill” culture has gotten so popular for men today is because men as a whole are unwilling to invest as much as men of old did – for many reasons we would need more time to discuss. However, that unwillingness to invest is men subconsciously protecting themselves from developing attachments. No investment, means no attachment. And let me just say, investments aren’t necessarily money. Investments from a man can be many things. Things like time, energy, effort, and money. In fact, the more of something a guy has the less he will consider it an “investment” subconsciously. A billionaire spending money on you doesn’t create emotions right away because he has so much money. But if that same billionaire had little free time, and started giving you that free time and even some of his “work time” then that would be a huge investment to him subconsciously.
Let me also just add, that there are girls that manage to Netflix & Chill their way into a relationship through getting a man to invest by these other means. Men started to Netflix & Chill because showering, getting dressed, looking for a destination for a date, traveling to get to the date, spending money on the date(even if it’s just for him), walking with you after the date or during, etc. just to find out that he doesn’t even like a girl, takes time, money, and energy. That energy, if invested creates small levels of attachment that lead to men feeling duped and disappointed if nothing comes out of it. And because of how men are wired they grow tired of this process after the disappointment occurs too many times.
So how exactly is it done?
I’m going to defer to a man by the name of Dante Nero who does a podcast called the Beige Philip Podcast – A branch off of the great Patrice O’Neals ‘Black Philip’ Podcast after he passed.
I’ll call it The Jelly Bean Theory. I’ve always taught this concept to women in my own way, but Dante nailed it with this analogy.
The Jelly Bean Theory basically states that, in the heads of every unwilling to settle down man, he gives each woman he meets a giant empty glass jar. In the jar goes the jelly beans he fills it with whenever the woman he’s dealing with does something he finds pleasing. For example: if she buys him a cute little gift tailored to one of his needs, the man throws 15 jelly beans into the jar. She makes him a meal – 20 jelly beans in the jar, good sex – 10 jelly beans in the jar, shows him love affection – 5 jelly beans in the jar, massages his ego – more jelly beans, and so forth. Whatever is valuable to him is how he’ll add jelly beans to the jars of the women he’s dealing with. On the other end of this however, everything the woman does that he finds disrespectful like – bitching at him, nagging him, overly pressuring him to be exclusive etc. is 50 jelly beans out of the jar. Three positives can get you fifty jelly beans, but one negative can cause you to lose fifty. We can see this in the example of trust – it taking years to build, but only seconds to break.
So this trick here is to fill your jelly bean jar all the way up to the top, until it’s over flowing with jelly beans. And once you know for a fact that your jelly bean is full because you’ve treated him well and haven’t nagged, complained, and gotten into a lot of petty arguments with him – YOU WALK THE **** AWAY.
You call him up one evening and you say something in an extremely loving tone – massaging the hell out of his ego like “ Hey baby, I was just calling to let you know that I love you and that you mean the world to me, and that I want to do anything and everything for you, but I’m not going to be able to continue this relationship. You see, you’re an amazing man and I know you’re not ready to settle down, and as much as I love being with you because, you’re so great, I need to find someone to commit to me. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life, because I want to stay with you, but I can’t, I just can’t. I’m sorry. I Am so sorry“ – And then you hang up. If he calls you back, you don’t answer. You let him call and call for that first day.
You let him think.
Because by now he’s losing it. You’re about to walk away with all of his jelly beans. None of his other girls if he has any, have any jelly beans. He may have one girl with 20, another with 60, but they all eventually lose them because they’re not disciplined enough to show restraint when it comes to buckling down and suppressing their need to vent the frustration with the conditions of the relationship. But you, you just walked away with a thousand of his jelly beans, and he needs to get them back. And he will do almost anything to get them back.
This is where the tables turn and you start getting him to invest. Now you get your own jelly bean jar for him in your head and YOU start filling it with jelly beans. You become the one he starts doing all the good things to get back with so that he can subconsciously get the jelly beans he gave you back from you. However, by the time he does, you guys both have two full jars of jelly beans and the playing field is now leveled. Unfortunately, most women don’t look at the guy the same after this ,and usually end up walking away and breaking the guys heart. So be mindful of this before using it. But, if you come across the right high value man, it may actually be worth sticking around.
I can help you fully execute this process; just email me at EddieFews@Gmail.com – I overviewed this concept as best as I could in a short article, but there are a lot of intricacies that some need help with throughout the process. For example “ Knowing when your jelly bean jar is full, creative ways to add to the jar, knowing when to finally pick up when he comes calling, and more”. And if you’re a guy that’s been through this process I’m here for you too, to show you how to get your jelly beans back. Many women have used this method subconsciously without knowing and got the same results. I bet some of you can think of a time in your life where you implemented this in certain ways and had guys calling for their beans. It happens all the time knowingly or unknowingly, but you can consciously control the process. Anyway, thank you guys for reading as always, and be very careful and considerate with this.
For One on One Coaching and Consultations via Skype, Phone, or Instant Messenger; Email: EddieFews@Gmail.com
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So yesterday in the article I wrote titled “Is Your Girl Slipping Away?” I briefly touched on the underlying rownoncept that is present in all relationships between a man and a woman; which is investment versus compliance.
My original introduction to the concept was spoken by a comedian by the name of Patrice O’Neal who began to gain popularity before his passing (12/7/1969 – 11/29/2011) for his ability to break down relationships from an abstract, yet completely relatable point of view. Patrice said “The game men and women play is pussy versus time. Men are trying to get the pussy as quickly as possible without having to give up that much of their time, and women are trying to get as much of a guy’s time as possible before having to give up the pussy”. He went on to say that women treat men that allow women to abuse their time the same way men treat women who allow them to abuse their vaginas. Men that get friend-zoned are the men that don’t know the value of their time and they see a woman’s sex as being so much more valuable than their time that they allow a woman to completely use their time up without requiring anything in exchange. The men in essence become what Patrice calls “Time Hoes”. They’re not a woman’s friend, they’re just used for male time and attention. They won’t actually have sex with the guy because a woman’s attraction is connected to her respect, and they don’t respect him because he doesn’t know his own value. The same way a guy will have sex with a girl he considers a “hoe”, but would never be seen with her in public at a movie. Women will go to dinner and movies, but would never actually have sex with him, they’ll be having sex with someone else. Its reversed.
You can check out an excerpt from the original audio “Time Hoe” below:
I was first introduced to the concept many years ago, and since I was in agreement with it I didn’t give it much thought after that; I just took it for what it was. But the more and more experience I got with women the deeper I understood what it is they truly want as women and what it is we truly want as men. I peeled back the layers and began to understand that what was thought to be just sex was compliance (Sex, warmth, status, affection, submission, power etc.). And what was thought to be just time was actually investment (Time, commitment, attention, validation etc.). Which is one of the seven fundamental understandings I adhere to when it comes to men and women relationships. This one in particular being Investment versus Compliance
There are many examples of investment that a woman wants. There is time, there is attention, there is money spent, validation, commitment, and so forth. Men all over social media are playing into the whole “time hoe” concept daily. They’re being conditioned to give away time and validation left and right with the “like” button and the comment section. These men that are liking all a woman’s pictures and leaving comments under their pictures for just being “beautiful” are secretly hoping that one of these women sees the comment and decides to message the guy as a result. Which of course never happens. What kind of woman is going to comply with messaging a guy first that is already giving away his time, attention, and validation to her just because she looks good? He isn’t requiring anything. He’s just cheaply giving away something that he should value. For a man to be more successful with women he has to know his value. He has to begin to view his time, attention, and commitment as being worth something. Something that he’s not just going to cheaply give away to anyone without cost. Women will take the validation, the same way most men will take a decent looking woman throwing sex at them, but they won’t actually respect the guy to give him the time of day, the same way you’ll probably have no interest in seeing the girl that slept with you that didn’t know her value ever again. Women don’t probably know this, but as guys we know in our hearts that something as simple as the “like” and the comment section is more often than not used in the spirit of outcome dependence. We’re not doing it for no reason, we want something in return. We want to be noticed, and we cross our fingers and hope that we will be. This is one of the things fueling the gap between beta males and attractive women. There are a lot more outlets today for them to just give away their validation to any attractive woman which subconsciously lowers their own self worth little by little. If I like a woman’s picture more often than not, I found something creative and artistic about it. And if I ever leave a comment, it will be a comment about the creativity or the effort put into the photo. Not the looks that a woman was given at birth, or the looks that a woman paid for.
Your time, your attention, and your validation has to have worth. You have to recognize that you are an entity that’s worthy of being admired. It is a mans frame of mind that attracts women. Women can easily fall in love with a man that they didn’t find attractive at first until they fell in love with his mind. The same way men can easily fall in love with a woman with a terrible personality just because she is beautiful. Its all reversed.
All men in the friend zone that don’t want to be there see themselves as worthless. They don’t value their time, they don’t value their conversation, they don’t value their attention, their touch or anything. And so a woman isn’t attracted enough to their minds to take them seriously. A woman will never take a man seriously unless she is attracted to his frame of mind. A mans confidence is all dependent upon what he perceives his own value to be. Forget what other people say about you, what do YOU believe your value is? And women will treat you according to this. For example: If I make eye contact with a woman I mentally feel that my gaze should be appreciated by a woman because it is worth something. I don’t go around gazing at everyone; and I do this on purpose so that when I do make gaze at a woman she can intuitively pick up on the value of my gaze. This is one of the reasons why I don’t go around staring at women’s asses when they walk by. I don’t care what these others guys are doing, my stare has worth, and I’m not just going to be cheaply giving it out to every fat ass that walks by. I’ll look up and appreciate Gods work of art in the sky before I start staring at every woman I see just because she looks good. Its okay to look and admire beauty, but when you begin to stare, you begin to give too much of yourself away. I tell guys I coach all the time, don’t stare at women. If you’re not going to approach them, leave them alone, because you’re giving away validation and devaluing yourself in the process. You should require something for your stare, and so approach her and if this woman doesn’t recognize your value move on and stop giving yourself away so cheaply.
So if women are going to value your investment (time, attention, and commitment) they’re going to do so because you mentally understand that value of your investment; and because your actions reflect just how much you value what you mentally claim to value. And the more and more a woman values your investment the more willing she is going to be to be compliant with your wishes for smaller and smaller dosages of your investment.
Rockstars are desired by everyone, always on the road, and paid boat loads of money for two to three hours of their time on stage. And so they will naturally value their time because of how much their time is valued by others. So naturally thousands upon thousands of women in the crowd are willing go back to their trailers and sleep with them without requiring anything in exchange. They just perceive the rockstar’s time, attention, and validation as so much greater than their compliance they’ll give it all away in hopes to equal it. Many think it is the money that brings the women to them, but I work with guys with tons of money that can’t get laid for free. Not to mention there are plenty of men without a dollar to their name that are sleeping with attractive women all the time. The truth is, it is the confidence that the value that is put on their investment (time, attention, validation) that attracts the women to them. And you can begin to value yourself to this degree without having to be a rockstar. Success can give a man value, because of confidence it can give him, but a man can create value for himself and develop confidence without having to be successful by societies definition. His high level of confidence becomes a success within itself. What women want from men is investment (Time, commitment, validation, attention) from a guy that actually has value. Women can get tons of attention and investment from guys through social media and walking down the street effortlessly, but she truly wants it from the one guy that she perceives as being valuable. The valuable guy that she respects makes her feel more secure about herself, because he is secure within himself. And once she’s secure she can take the mask off and finally breathe. A woman’s life begins once she’s secure, her power, and everything that makes her special can only be tapped into once she has that security. Many think money is the security that women seek, and society would lead you to believe this, but there are plenty wealthy single women that still aren’t secure. They still aren’t tapping into the unique power of a woman and what makes them special. Their true security comes from having a man that they can follow who is valuable and completely secure within himself.
This same concept applies to women in reverse.
Let’s take the honest Gold Diggers for example:
The honest Gold-Digger is the woman who lets a man know from the very beginning that she doesn’t value his time, attention, and validation because he doesn’t value himself and so she won’t have sex with him, but she’s willing to be compliant with one of his requests (increasing his perceived value by being seen with him) in exchange for financial favors. Similar to the honest Player who lets a woman know from the beginning that he is not looking for a relationship but he is willing to be compliant with one of her requests (time, attention and validation) in exchange for sex. They’re both pretty much doing the same thing and there is nothing wrong with this. Gold diggers and players get a bad rep because of the association with dishonesty due to the label. The players that lead a girl on into thinking that there is the possibility of a relationship, and the gold diggers who lead a guy on into thinking that there is a possibility of sex. These are the two who are wrong and interfere with the entire system. It is not the gold diggers fault if she was honest from the very beginning and all throughout the relationship, that male involved becomes upset that he wasn’t able to manipulate her into giving him sex. His expectation is his own problem, as long as she kept it all the real she shouldn’t have to deal with the emotions he experiences because he wasn’t able to trick her. Just like the woman that gets upset with the honest player who she wasn’t able to manipulate into entering a committed relationship with her over time. He shouldn’t have to worry about the emotions she experiences in the end if he was honest in the beginning and throughout the relationship because she wasn’t able to trick him.
Honest gold diggers and players are in essence the same thing. They’re opposite sides of the same coin. They both know their worth, know their value and refuse to give it away to anyone who they don’t see as being equally as valuable. But they have needs and are honest about those needs with the people that enter their life. She receives the wealth and assets she gets from a successful man, and he receives the empowering feeling he gets from having sex with an attractive woman. If the honest gold digger feels that her being in your presence (raising your social status) is worth you buying her a car and so you buy it aren’t you agreeing with her? And if this honest player feels that him giving you his time and attention is worth you giving him sex and so you give it to him aren’t you agreeing with him as well? Both of the emotional parties have to leave their agendas out of this. Because in all actuality the men buying gifts in hopes of manipulating the woman into giving him sex and the woman giving sex in hopes of manipulating the man into committing to her are the most dishonest people of all. If they were honest from the beginning and said “ I’m going to buy you these gifts for a few months, but then I’m going to try to make you have sex with me” and I’m going to have sex with you for a few months and then I’m going to try and make you commit to me” I’m sure both the player and gold digger would opt out or again make it clear that they are not going to be doing that. You don’t walk into a strip club and pay the stripper for a lap dance and then get angry because she didn’t want to also have sex with you free of charge. You paid for what you believed your money was worth. You made a payment, you received a dance, transaction complete.
So when it comes to a woman and compliance women have to put more value on the things that guys want from them or else they will be used by the guys who know their worth. In the same way I suggested to a man to put value on something as simple as his gaze a woman should put value on something as simple as her hug. The more you do something for everyone, the less valuable the energy around that action will be when its done to others.
Example: The woman that hugs every single person she sees has a hug that is of a weaker energy, feeling, and vibration that the woman that reserves her hugs (because she values them) for the people whom she feels are deserving of it. A man loves a woman’s warmth, whether its the warmth of her hug or the warmth of her vagina and the fewer people that have access to this warmth the stronger the vibration and feeling of this warmth will be when it is felt by the people she deems worthy. Value your warmth. It is of importance to men and of value to them and the warmer it is due to you treating it like its worth something mentally and through action, the more a man will value your warmth. He likely will not know why he enjoys your hug so much, he may not be sensitive enough to your energy to understand, but he will daydream about it and desire it nonetheless.
Men want to be seen with high quality women because its a reflection to other men that he is of high value. The same way women play the “beauty game” as a form of competition with other women. Men play the “Look what I got” as a status game with other men. There is a lot to a woman, but on the surface women help a man validate his own character. They’re pretty much the stamp on him. Without her, as I said in my radio interview he cannot have his crown. He can be a prince at best. But it is the woman he is with that is a reflection to him that he is king. And if you know anything about men, you know that we want power. We want to feel like we’re king. And a quality woman allows us to do that. Highly quality women get treated the same way by men as the rockstar regardless of how he looks gets treated by women. Men everywhere are willing to invest anything into them just to gain their compliance. (sex, submission, status/reverence). Know your worth ladies, come to grips with what it is that men want from you and make sure you’re getting what it is that you want as you’re giving him what he wants. There has to be a balance there to maintain the relationship. He gets too much and your value decreases, and he begins to take advantage. He gets too little, and he’ll either seek it elsewhere if he knows his worth, or he’ll become weak and turn into a man that you no longer find attractive.
Men also want to feel like leaders, its the fantasy played up for us in action movies all the time. We all want to envision ourselves as the hero that leads our team to victory. And the women willing to follow a man they value through being compliant have the ability to grant men this fantasy. We want to be the “head” of our household, we want “respect’’, we want you to “listen”. Blah blah blah, if you’ve ever been in a relationship with a man that knew his value you’ve heard it all before. We want you to look up to us and we want you to let us know that we have power as I touched on in the Dear Women, Men Want Femininity Back back article. But its also important that you do so with balance. A man needs a challenge to continue to grow and become better and any quality man will appreciate and respect you for the challenges you throw his way. He may not like it in the moment, but he’ll thank you for it in his own ways later.
So to the men, know your worth and your value and for the ones who do require submission from your woman with balance. If she became a slave you wouldn’t find her attractive. Just as a woman wouldn’t find a man attractive that completely opened himself up and consistently laid all his emotions and feelings out no matter how much she tries to convince him that this is what she wants.
Compliance and investment. As both parties require their needs from one another with balance it’ll be much easier to keep that spark alive long into the relationship. If any women and men need extra help on understanding where they stand in terms of value, more examples of ways to value themselves, and what they should be requiring based on where they are in their journey they can email me for coaching & consultation to improve this aspect and many other aspects of their relationship life at EddieFews@gmail.com with the title of the article as the subject of the email.
Thanks for reading.
For One on One Coaching and Consultations via Skype, Phone, or Instant Messenger; Email: EddieFews@Gmail.com
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